


Lannisters Do Not Chat Like Fools!

by TeamGwenee



Series: The Lannister Group Chat [1]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Fluff, Humour, Lannister Family Hijinks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:08:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25183777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamGwenee/pseuds/TeamGwenee
Summary: In a bid to further keep control of his family, Tywin sets up a group chat.
Relationships: Jaime Lannister/Brienne of Tarth
Series: The Lannister Group Chat [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1830853
Comments: 24
Kudos: 166





	Lannisters Do Not Chat Like Fools!

The Lannister Group Chat.

  
Mr Tywin Lannister: Right. I have set up this ‘Group chat’ to allow us to communicate in private. I am certain that the Reynes have had our old phones hacked, so only access the chat using your new ones and continue to use your old ones in public to throw off suspicion.

Myrcella: Grandpapa, why do you even think the Reynes have managed to hack our phones?

Mr Tywin Lannister: Their behaviour has been incredibly suspicious lately. 

Tyrion: Ellyn Reyne smiled at him during a meeting with Highgarden last week, niece, a clear sign of treachery….

Mr Tywin Lannister: For Ellyn Reyne to smile so insolently in my presence can only mean the Reynes have grown in confidence. We would be fools to think otherwise, Tyrion. For years the Reynes have plotted and schemed to cast us down. To steal our partners, gut our providers and see all of us thrown down to beg with the dogs.

Cersei: Indeed father. Tyrion may joke about our family’s future and the survival of our empire, but I take the threat of the Reynes far more seriously. As do the children.

Tommen: Who wants to see Ser Pounce in his new knight’s costume!?! :) <3

#

Mr Tywin Lannister: Jaime, many times I have summoned you to our group chat, and many times you have disobeyed me. Such insolence will not be tolerated.

Jaime: Soz father, Ive been busy.

Mr Tywin Lanniste: Soz?

Jaime: It means sorry.

Mr Tywin Lannister: If you mean sorry, say sorry. There will be no text speak in this group chat, and no blood of mine will speak like a cursed millennial!

Genna: Spill the tea, Tywin.

Kevan: I have the same problem with Lancel. Struggle is real.

Cersei: Ignore Jaime, Father. He’s basic.

Tyrion: Jaime’s basic? RT.

Jaime: Bitches you know I’m bae as fuck.

Myrcella:......I think I want to die a little.

Tommen: Now that’s talking like a Millennial. 

#

Mr Tywin Lannister: Genna, has Jaime been distracted lately?

Genna: Not that I noticed. Do you think something’s wrong?

Mr Tywin Lannister: He has been acting very strange. Yesterday, we were having lunch together, and he was happy.

Genna: That is strange.

Mr Tywin Lannister: Do you think I should call in a doctor? 

#

Joffrey: Mother! It’s not fair!

Cersei: I know it isn’t shmookums. 

Joffrey: That ugly little Stark brat assaulted me! I was just walking along in the park, minding my own business and thinking about prayers and flowers, and she burst out of nowhere and savaged me with her dog. She could have killed me! I want to sue!

Cersei: We will, my pudding prince, we will. Let me speak to your grandfather

#

Mr Tywin Lannister: The Stark girl just attacked him out of nowhere, for no reason. Are you sure the boy did not provoke her?

Cersei: Father! How could you say such a thing? What on earth could my diddums have done to provoke such an attack.

Mr Tywin Lannister: Exist?

#

Myrcella: Get her flowers! Red roses, to show how passionate you are for her!

Jaime: She doesn’t like roses.

Genna: Jewellery. All ladies want jewellery. A golden necklace with table rubies would show your intentions nicely.

Jaime: And she isn’t really one for jewellery either.

Tyrion: Wine.

Jaime: She's not that fussed about wine.

Tyrion: Dump her.

Tommen: You can get her a kitten?

#

Mr Tywin Lannister: Cersei, I have consulted the surveillance footage of the incident at the park, and I will be contacting Arya Stark’s parents presently.

Cersei: Will you tell them we will be informing the police?

Mr Tywin Lannister: No. I am going to offer to pay her university tuition. 

#

Jaime: Right, I have found a blacksmith, and he will be designing and making something customized for her.

Myrcella: I thought she doesn’t like jewellery.

Jaime: I’m not having jewellery made. Check It…

Myrcella: Is that...a suit of armour?

Jaime: Yep.

Myrcella: Holy shit that’s awesome! She’s gonna freak!!!! <3

Jaime: I know!!!! :) :) xxxxxx

#

Jaime: So….my dad knows about us.

Brienne: I thought we were keeping it a secret for a little while longer.

Jaime: Well, I was chatting with him on another tab, and I got confused. I had to give him some explanation.

Brienne: Was it necessary for you to tell him about us though?

Jaime: Yeah..it was necessary.

Brienne: Seven Jaime, what did you say to your dad?

Jaime:.....

Brienne: Jaime?

  
Jaime:.....

Brienne: What did you say to your dad, Jaime?! Jaime??!!!!

#Five Minutes Earlier#

Mr Tywin Lannister: Tomorrow I will be having drinks with the representatives from Highgarden. I will expect you to be there.

Jaime: Sure, sounds thrilling.

Mr Tywin Lannister: You will be punctual, present, and polite. Do you understand?

Jaime: Looking forward to it. Counting down the seconds.

Mr Tywin Lannister: You will wear your Loras Tyrell suit, as a gesture of goodwill.

Jaime: Make sure you wear that blue lace negligee I got you. When I get back, I want to run my hands up your long, bare legs, and strip you naked with my teeth.

Mr Tywin Lannister:.....

Mr Tywin Lannister:.....

Mr Tywin Lannister:.....

Mr Tywin Lannister: What?

Jaime: Whoops! Sorry Father, I got you confused with the other group chat I’m in.

Mr Tywin Lannister:....You’re in another group chat?

#


End file.
